Question: My partner of (x) years suddenly asked for separation. I am left blindsided. We are working on our relationship through individual and marital counselling. However, he believes the only way he can heal is on his own, after separation/divorce. He has a history of unresolved trauma.
Answer: As a Couples Therapist, I’ve seen this happen in instances when an avoidant partner has silently gone through the process of breaking up and grieving the loss of the relationship without letting you know. They may have verbalized their unhappiness to you directly or indirectly over the years. You may have heard it or not, or discussed it and felt it was resolved. Often times, the avoidant partner may only verbalize it assertively when it feels like it is too late.
Unfortunately, sometimes this happens when they have found someone else and are ready to take the next steps with them. Of course, this feels like a horrible shock, and if you weren’t anxiously attached already, you may start feeling it now. Often referred to as betrayal trauma, this type of trauma causes intense shock that hits you like a ton of bricks and causes your nervous system to dysregulate. It feels even more painful for those with a fear of abandonment. A painful pursuer/withdrawer dynamic ensues, where you feel powerless in pursuit of them, desperately trying to avoid feeling the excruciating pain of abandonment.
Let’s understand this from an Internal Family Systems and trauma-informed lens. Perhaps one part of him in your relationship wants to please you. Perhaps this part of him has suppressed other parts of him that carry strong emotions of anger, hurt or resentment due to fear of hurting you or fear of feeling unsafe in a conflict.
At the same time, another part of him may be feeling unsafe, unhappy and building resentment for a long time.
These parts may or may not be triggered because of you. They may be triggered due to a combination of their unresolved trauma, avoidant attachment style and your parts coming together in your relational dynamics. With both parts evoking equally strong emotions, he may feel the only way to end this internal conflict and feel relief is through a flight trauma response, ending the conflict through space or separation, ultimately causing one part to “win” over the other. He may feel that he cannot please you and make this other part of him feel safe and happy at the same time. Separating will give the second part space, without worrying about the pleasing-you/fear-of-hurting-you part.
As an outsider, this can seem a bit black and white, but complex trauma can leave us with polarizing parts. Additionally, avoidant attachment styles tend to compartmentalize and use it as a coping mechanism and a solution to conflicts.
Interestingly, his hypervigilant part (another gift of trauma) likely senses the part of you feeling fearful/anxious/pursuer, starting the cycle of pleasing or putting your needs first in him.
Ultimately, this part of you needs to settle down, grieve the loss of what you wanted the relationship to look like and your expectations, and make peace with letting him go, allowing his people-pleasing parts to settle, breathe, and finally heal himself in his way, at his pace.
Couples Counselling can create a safe, nurturing space for all parts of you and your partner to come up and take the space they truly deserve to feel seen, heard, heal, and soften. If you need support, please feel free to reach out. Book a free consultation today!
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